True Jokes

This one is cute and funny.

Your a Redneck if...

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

You've ever shot a deer from your porch.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

If you have ever had or made mouse, rat, bear or dog stew.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states

You have to hand-pump your water.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Wierd Image of the Month

              Now go scrub your brain cells of this image.

My Diet

                              Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

                 Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

                                                      Close Enough!!!

The Definition of a Boy

The other day my mom said something about how, what we (me and my little brother) were doing was dangerous. My dad said "Oh just let them be boys". Nonetheless my mom got us out of there before the bear that we were poking got too angry.

Later that day, I started thinking about what dad had said, 'Oh just let them be boys', and then I started thinking really hard. Then smoke started coming out of my ears and and I thought, what is the definition of a boy? I ask myself this, again and again. I start to create a list in my mind about everything a boy is, but because of too much TV, video games and radiation from the microwave that have melted my brain cells, I find it hard to form this list in my head, so I just use a pen and paper. I write the following:


        Boy (boyus smelliness) A young offspring (male) between the ages of 6-16, that in it's later period of boyness has a very distinct, strong odor emanating from it. It enjoys rolling in mud like other creatures (see swine and canine) to have fun. The key words to describe a boy are dirty, smelly, energetic, pyromaniac,  brainless, trigger happy, repulsive, ape, hungry, annoying, dirtbag and couch potato. Some of it's many calls are, "Let's blow it up!", "Sure it's safe!", "RUN!!", "Man your bleeding pretty bad", and finally, "I didn't do it!" The reaction, to a situation that involves the use of said calls, of the female adult that is the kin of the boy is a whole other story to be written but I will give you a sample of it: "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!" the boy then says "but I..." "SHUT UP!!! I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ACTUALLY BLEW  UP MR. JENS BARN!!!"

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!?!" "I'm sor..." "SHUT UP!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU COULD GO TO JUVENILE HALL!?!" "yes, bu..." SHUT UP AND GO TO BED, NO DINNER!!" "Okay..." "SHUT UP!!!". I've taken into consideration submitting what I wrote that day to the Webster Dictionary Company but, I don't think that they could handle the awesomeness that I create.  Well, that's how it goes, I guess, when your a boy.(Personally I think the mom is worse than the boy.)