Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Perfect Mothers Day

Ahhhhhh.... Mothers Day. The day of the year when the family pays respect and gratitude to mother of the house by giving her breakfast in bed, presents and hugs and kisses. The perfect mothers day goes something like this. You wake up early and as the dew on the grass is just burning off, you start to make a divine breakfast for your mom and with your little brothers help and cooperation(say your dad is at work), you manage to create a platter worthy of the Gods. You come in your mom's room and lightly wake her. You give her her food and start eating your measly toast. You do this to tell her that she's so special that you do not deserve to eat her food, but she shares with you and your brother anyway. Then, when done with your food, you go on to the presents. A romantic card from dad, and a silly card with cute dogs on the front expressing your love for your mom. The main present is something like a pretty necklace or some expensive soap. She then tries to get up to go do some laundry or dishes and you tell her to do what she wants, it's her day. All day you and your sibling try to make it the best day for her and do pretty well. Your dad comes home and mom goes to bed three hours early. The day ends with you tucking her in and going to clean up dinner and finally at ten o'clock your tired and go to bed. To sum it up a perfect mothers day should looks like this below.

 Then of course, there is a realistic mothers day. A realistic mothers day starts with you forgetting to set your alarm clock and waking up at 8:00 instead of 6:00. You come out to your mom sitting on the couch playing with her phone. You say "go to bed please", almost irritated. She says " Okay, one second" paying no attention to you. At 8:20 you finally get her into bed and start to wake up your brother. At 8:45 you start to make the eggs and then put the bagels in the toaster. Your brother who is getting bored sitting there watching you cook breakfast, says he wants to watch TV. You fight about it for a few minutes and finally he wins and your putting on Tom & Jerry when you smell something that smell like eggs. Eggs. Hmm- what could tha... EGGS!!!!! You jump up and run to the stove and frantically take the eggs and throw the in the trash. It's 9:00 o'clock now and you have the burned bagels slathered with cream cheese to stunt the...burntness. So now you have to get the eggs and cook others but, of course, there are no more eggs so, you start fishing in the trash can and eventually find them and start washing them in the sink. The only thing that goes right is cutting the grapefruit which, in the feeling that you have triumphed over the breakfast, you finally peel your brother away from the TV and bring the breakfast to your mom. She says "Oh...ummmm... thank you boys, I love you". She then eats some grapefruit and puts the plate on her bedside table. She gets up and you try to tell her to stop, but your brother quickly shakes his head at you behind her back and you say "Forget it". So the rest of the day is basically were you try to help your mom as much as you can, but end up playing a video game instead. The day ends with your mom agitatedly saying "You know, just go to bed." and you go to bed at 7:30. This is a realistic Mothers Day. Here's a summed up picture.

Oh well, it's just the laws of boyhood doing their natural functions, I always say.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Your a Redneck if...

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

You've ever shot a deer from your porch.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

If you have ever had or made mouse, rat, bear or dog stew.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states

You have to hand-pump your water.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Wierd Image of the Month

              Now go scrub your brain cells of this image.

My Diet



                                                      Close Enough!!!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Definition of a Boy

The other day my mom said something about how, what we (me and my little brother) were doing was dangerous. My dad said "Oh just let them be boys". Nonetheless my mom got us out of there before the bear that we were poking got too angry.

Later that day, I started thinking about what dad had said, 'Oh just let them be boys', and then I started thinking really hard. Then smoke started coming out of my ears and and I thought, what is the definition of a boy? I ask myself this, again and again. I start to create a list in my mind about everything a boy is, but because of too much TV, video games and radiation from the microwave that have melted my brain cells, I find it hard to form this list in my head, so I just use a pen and paper. I write the following:

        Boy (boyus smelliness) A young offspring (male) between the ages of 6-16, that in it's later period of boyness has a very distinct, strong odor emanating from it. It enjoys rolling in mud like other creatures (see swine and canine) to have fun. The key words to describe a boy are dirty, smelly, energetic, pyromaniac,  brainless, trigger happy, repulsive, ape, hungry, annoying, dirtbag and couch potato. Some of it's many calls are, "Let's blow it up!", "Sure it's safe!", "RUN!!", "Man your bleeding pretty bad", and finally, "I didn't do it!" The reaction, to a situation that involves the use of said calls, of the female adult that is the kin of the boy is a whole other story to be written but I will give you a sample of it: "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!" the boy then says "but I..." "SHUT UP!!! I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ACTUALLY BLEW  UP MR. JENS BARN!!!"

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF!?!" "I'm sor..." "SHUT UP!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU COULD GO TO JUVENILE HALL!?!" "yes, bu..." SHUT UP AND GO TO BED, NO DINNER!!" "Okay..." "SHUT UP!!!". I've taken into consideration submitting what I wrote that day to the Webster Dictionary Company but, I don't think that they could handle the awesomeness that I create.  Well, that's how it goes, I guess, when your a boy.(Personally I think the mom is worse than the boy.)